We'll see what happens today!!

Today I'm going to be bold I absolutely need answers so, Imma go for it!!

Wishing myself LUCK!!!!!!

The little things after a BIG event that piss me off!!!

Today something happened that broke my heart. I sent a email to Chev asking to meet with him after class to talk about some personal issues. My hopeful heart hopes that he hadn't read the email yet and hadn't meant to blow me off. But I think that he did read the email and ran like all of hell's hell hounds were chasing him. Friday I said to myself I wouldn't be depressed and it would be okay just to be friends. Which I do think it's okay. I really don't want to be his girlfriend we don't match at all. But as friends we get along okay just fine. I just wanted to get to know the person who effected my life a little bit better and the fact that I hardly know that much about him is working on my last nerve. I can deal with him not liking me, but I certainly can't deal with sudden rejection. The order of the things that happened is all messed up. If I had the chance to change things and make that day never happen....I don't know if I would. All I know is that I would have done more background if I knew he was going to cross me out completely. And for all I know maybe it isn't too late. I could bluntly ask to talk to him and ask him plainly if I wasn't such a chicken and feared that my feelings would get hurt. Or maybe his feelings were hurt because I ignored him all through class today. I just didn't know what the protocol is for this sort of thing. I didn't have any illusions about how my first time was going to be but damn it left me empty. Plus I am angry with the way things proceeded that day. I would have liked if afterward he didn't rush us to leave. He did ask if I felt alright maybe I should've said no to see how he would help. And I wouldn't be so mad now if I had been completely satisfied. He also wanted me to see that all he wants is friendship that he didn't want a girlfriend but not 10 seconds later he tells me that he has an on and off again girl. Jackass. I don't want him but if he wanted I wouldn't have rejected the idea. It's way better than being ignored. I hate guys that cant accept a bigger girl. Hell he didn't meet my standards of what I want in a man but I didn't point them out and make him feel bad about it. Thursday he will not get away without giving me the facts. I will squeeze every last bit of information I can get out of him before I ring the life out of him. I'm HELLA Angry it wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't let him get away without my needs being met. The whole ordeal makes me want to hunt him down and stab him to death. Especially if he thinks that he could snub me after he had me and move on to the next girl. I may cry for now but not for long. Pay back is a bitch.